Why cant I hear the Music?

As I walked down a muggy, damp brick paved walk way from one summer class to yet another I found myself walking with ipod in, tuning into a cadence and looking around at things I have passed hundreds of times. Why, on a Tuesday, in mid July did it stick out to me? Maybe it was the absence of people, how the walk way was clear, the air thick, no sound but that of a guitar in my ears, or maybe it was me inside myself peering out wondering at it all. Yet, as the world around me was empty it was at the same time full. Maybe, just maybe, it is me that is empty, and that is why the simplicity of the world stunned me. So much lately has been buzzed, confused, altered, a slow yet steady decline and build up at the same time if that is possible. Moment-by-moment I watch things slip away, things I thought I had a grasp on, fettered to my abilities, to promises, to goals to achievements I haven’t lost them, but they are not so tightly strung. I see months diminish into weeks between me and leaving America for London. I see single digit days till summer school is out, till goodbyes. I saw my dog dash away before I had a chance to grasp the idea, blessed enough to be able to hold and love on her one last time. So much has changed yet still in slow pace I see it emptying out, wondering what will be filled in return.
We move on and we grow, we fall behind and we bend when we are to stay straight and we achieve things we never knew possible. Not all loss is bad, some is good, some makes you stronger and some makes you realize just how weak you are, but yet, you are still standing, you may be as empty as you ever have been, but that emptiness is a great place to start. Emptiness is not a frozen state, unless you make it. Sometimes the ability to still stand while holding nothing is greater then holding the whole world in your hands, invincible and confident. But there is no denying that the emptiness is a lonely and dismal place to be. For me, I find it is when I become most expressive within myself and I find ways to say things I never thought to say before. I scold myself for the faults that I allowed in, for the people that I let have a chunk of me, the trust I so unknowingly gave away, for talking when I should have listened, for crying when I should have been thankful, and for loving when I should have stayed guarded. But then I tell myself that it is ok, for as a friend told me last night…it is not that we are stupid for any of these things, it is staying in that situation that brought you to these realizations that would make us stupid. We don’t always get to pick our circumstances, sometimes they are thrust upon us before we turn our heads straight, and we are handed a bucket of issues and blame that optimism and hopeless romanticism prompted us to ignore. But can one really be at fault for wanting to feel full? I think not, I think it is basic instinct of any person, tough or spongy, hoping to never be left standing wondering and empty handed.
So I keep walking down this walkway…and there is a squirrel perched on the brick wall eating some odd-looking fruit. The fruit’s segments are all split up, little red pulpy beads with green knobby tops. He ignores me, dedicated to consuming his precious morsel. I stand there watching, humored by his desperation over the spread that is before him, he is unaltered by my presence; this little guy is simply sitting there shoving this fruit in as fast as he can, frantic that in a blink of an eye…that his paws will be empty.